eviltigerlily: (Default)
I can't belive it's only a week till my aunt and my cousin are coming! It kept seeming so long to, and suddenly it's almost here!

I'm also nervous about it. In an astonishing display of my social ineptitude, I'm afraid of speaking to my cousin. It's my elder cousin, you see. When I was little she was a teenager and didn't have much interest in playing around with me and her younger sister (who is about my age), and later on we left the country. I don't think I can remember us ever having alone been in a room together. Now, I love my cousin and I admire her, because I think she is an amazing woman, but what if we have nothing to talk about? That just terrifies me. Seriously, I've had nightmares. Plural. I'm sure it will all turn out right in the end, but I can't help obsessing about it for now.
eviltigerlily: (Default)
I've been thinking a lot about friendship, or rather friends, or even more specifically why I don't have any. I used to have friends, of course. Yes, I remember that very distinctly. Trouble is, I'm so damn awkward in social situations that I'm completely unable to make friends, or for that matter - conversation. It is up to other people to make conversation and even if they do, I hardly ever know what to say. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people online, how pathetic is that? Ironically, I'm not a person who puts too much stock in what other people think about me - it's myself that I feel uncomfortable with, if that makes any sense.
Moreover, the fact I used to have friends and now clearly don't, indicates I'm rather rotten at keeping friends too, which is considerably worse. I still maintain it's wasn't entirely my fault (it wasn't damnit!), but we had been friends for years and had drifted apart which is a shame. I'm sure I could have done something about it. I should have. I guess I have insanely decided at the time I could do without friends. I don't really know if I can or can't, and which is worse.
It's like this with my whole life - I don't really live it, I sort of drift wherever it takes me. I keep hoping that the next life stage is going to change all that, but, really I know by now that's not going to happen. I'm beginning to think the only way to stop it is for me to make a big, dramatic change and I mean BIG, like moving to another country big. Of course that's very difficult to do for anyone, let alone someone who's not used to make decisions and stick to them, or stand on one's own feet, like me. There had quite a few big changes in my life before: immigrating to another country, going to the army, getting out of the army and the like, but it has never been my decision.


Jun. 16th, 2006 06:24 pm
eviltigerlily: (Default)
I'm so bored, I just don't know what to do with myself. I have no friends with whom to hang out (yes, yes, I know, pathetic), there is nothing to watch on TV (today's choice of viewing is even more boring then usual - one chanel has films retelling the life stories of various serial killers, while on another they have inexplicably chosen to run four(!) different film versions of the same book in a row). Normally, I would read a book, but the health problems i've been having coupled with my *ahem* depression, make it difficult to concentrate (at least I hope that's what it is, otherwise my brain is just going), which I never had problems with before.


eviltigerlily: (Default)

June 2011



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