Firendship - pointless rant ahoy!
Jun. 22nd, 2006 03:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eviltigerlilyI've been thinking a lot about friendship, or rather friends, or even more specifically why I don't have any. I used to have friends, of course. Yes, I remember that very distinctly. Trouble is, I'm so damn awkward in social situations that I'm completely unable to make friends, or for that matter - conversation. It is up to other people to make conversation and even if they do, I hardly ever know what to say. I don't even feel comfortable talking to people online, how pathetic is that? Ironically, I'm not a person who puts too much stock in what other people think about me - it's myself that I feel uncomfortable with, if that makes any sense.
Moreover, the fact I used to have friends and now clearly don't, indicates I'm rather rotten at keeping friends too, which is considerably worse. I still maintain it's wasn't entirely my fault (it wasn't damnit!), but we had been friends for years and had drifted apart which is a shame. I'm sure I could have done something about it. I should have. I guess I have insanely decided at the time I could do without friends. I don't really know if I can or can't, and which is worse.
It's like this with my whole life - I don't really live it, I sort of drift wherever it takes me. I keep hoping that the next life stage is going to change all that, but, really I know by now that's not going to happen. I'm beginning to think the only way to stop it is for me to make a big, dramatic change and I mean BIG, like moving to another country big. Of course that's very difficult to do for anyone, let alone someone who's not used to make decisions and stick to them, or stand on one's own feet, like me. There had quite a few big changes in my life before: immigrating to another country, going to the army, getting out of the army and the like, but it has never been my decision.
Moreover, the fact I used to have friends and now clearly don't, indicates I'm rather rotten at keeping friends too, which is considerably worse. I still maintain it's wasn't entirely my fault (it wasn't damnit!), but we had been friends for years and had drifted apart which is a shame. I'm sure I could have done something about it. I should have. I guess I have insanely decided at the time I could do without friends. I don't really know if I can or can't, and which is worse.
It's like this with my whole life - I don't really live it, I sort of drift wherever it takes me. I keep hoping that the next life stage is going to change all that, but, really I know by now that's not going to happen. I'm beginning to think the only way to stop it is for me to make a big, dramatic change and I mean BIG, like moving to another country big. Of course that's very difficult to do for anyone, let alone someone who's not used to make decisions and stick to them, or stand on one's own feet, like me. There had quite a few big changes in my life before: immigrating to another country, going to the army, getting out of the army and the like, but it has never been my decision.
